Dating an Actress

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Children's Exam Results : A Nun Grading Papers

The following landed in my email inbox this morning, and so I thought that I would share it with you to start your day with a smile.

A Nun Grading Papers 

     Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!  Pay special attention to the wording and spelling.  If you know the Bible even a little, then you'll find this hilarious!
     It comes from a Catholic Elementary School test. 

The children were asked questions about both the Old and the New Testaments, and the following statements are the answers they gave. The statements have not been amended or corrected, and any incorrect spellings have been left in.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Aren't Children great!!

Some more funny Church Notice Boards

More funny Church Notice Boards

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'My Favorite Things' : Well, almost!!!

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio   City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things'  from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.   Here are the lyrics she used: (Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!  Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and  handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
  These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
  These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
     And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
    These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',  
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
  When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
     When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
      And then I don't feel so bad. >>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>> (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)

Gathering Nuts for Winter

Happy Birthday!

Here's a fun way to say "Happy Birthday" to all of your friends! If it's your birthday today then treat this as a birthday wish especially for you!

Getting away from the rain!

With the amount of rain forecast and the amount that has already dropped this morning, soaking me when I went out with my little dog Sam, we may need to book places on board for the next cruise as soon as all of the animals have all disembarked!

Whatcha doin'?

How to get a B Flat!

In a college music theory class one warm spring day, the students I were having a hard time concentrating. The heat was oppressive and a wasp buzzed threateningly above their heads.

The teacher — oblivious to the dive-bombing menace — continued lecturing whilst the students dodged and swatted at the invader. Finally, it landed on one student's open book. With a quick slap, he snapped the book shut, killing the wasp. The professor, startled, looked up. "What was that?" he asked, annoyed by the interruption. Thinking quickly, the student answered sheepishly, "A bee flat."

Keep Fit!

This is a good day to do a bit of exercise and get the blood pumping through the veins! If you feel too lazy then just think about it for a moment. It won't make you fitter but it won't make you fatter either --- at least as long as you are not reaching for the biscuit barrel as you think!!!

Whatever you do, just have a great day!

How to tell the sex of a fly

A  woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking  around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"  She  asked.
"Hunting Flies" he replied.

"Oh!  Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,"  he replied.
Intrigued,  she asked, "How  can you tell them apart?"
He  replied, "3  were on a beer can, 2  were on the  phone".

Wacky Warning Labels

     For many years, an anti-lawsuit group from Michigan has held "The Wacky Warning Label Contest" to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels. A warning sticker on a small tractor that reads "Danger: Avoid Death" took home the top prize in 2007. Kevin Soave, a resident of the Detroit suburb Farmington Hills, submitted the winning label.
     Carrianne, Jacob, and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pennsylvania, won second place — and a $250 prize — for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: "Do not iron while wearing shirt."
     Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Masschusetts, earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller that featured a small storage pouch that warns: "Do not put child in bag." 

On Dads, Transport and Haircuts.

Father and Son Discuss a Haircut

A young boy had just got his provisional driving licence and was anxious to start learning to drive. Approaching his father, he asked if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They went once more into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes," his father said, "and everywhere they went, they walked." 

Not much room for a jockey!

The best way to win a race is to lose as much excess weight as possible. Well, you certainly couldn't lose much more than this and still have a chance of winning! 

17th Century Nun's Prayer

17th Century Nun's Prayer

Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end.

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others' pains, but help me to endure them with patience.

I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and less cocksuredness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a Saint - some of them are so hard to live with - but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.

AMEN

A Picture that is worth a 1000 words!

More Funny Church Signs! - 2

More Funny Church Signs! from inspiredfaith on GodTube.

These always make me laugh --- I hope they do the same for you!

Life with our computers!